The Secret Evil Anti-Feminist Plot

DEAR PEOPLE WHO DESIGN HOMES FOR A LIVING:

I WANT OUT OF THE KITCHEN!

Our bungalow has a smallish kitchen. Smallish meaning the kitchen, for the purpose of actually preparing, cooking and storing food and related utensils, is a fine size. Why one might call it small compared to today's suburban "super kitchen" standards because when you're in my kitchen are only in my kitchen and there is nowhere to lounge while in the kitchen. That's because it's a kitchen. Not a den or a family room or a game room. It's just a kitchen.

Every time someone new comes to see the bungalow, they have ideas on what we can do to "improve it". That is fine. I welcome new ideas. But the one I tire of goes something like this:

Me: And here is the kitchen (make Vanna White-like arm motion)

Guest: Oh. This needs updating.

Me: Yes, it's on the list. The red counter top needs to go. I know.

Guest: No, I mean, if you blow this wall out and expand the kitchen into your back porch, you'd have a huge kitchen and it would be easier to serve people.

Me: But I don't want a huge kitchen.

Guest: But, wouldn't it be nice if you could open this up?

Here is where I cannot seem to make people understand that I don't want a huge kitchen where half of the room is sitting space and half of it is food preparation space. Why? Because it seems that everyone I know has that kitchen. They call it "open concept" kitchen. And why don't I want this? Because I AM SICK OF BEING IN A KITCHEN!

I think it's a secret evil plot to keep women in the kitchen without them noticing! I do. Here is how design conversations among home building and remodeling professionals goes (in my head):

Evil house designers: "Let's see, hmmmmm, let's make a kitchen BUT let's make it BIGGER so that everyone is in the kitchen all the time then, the woman never has a reason to leave the kitchen! We will call it something hip and progressive and cool. I know, "open concept"! Doesn't that sound inviting?"

So now, we have tons of houses with huge kitchens that I never seem to get out of. I go to my sister's house and where are we for the entire visit? The kitchen. I go to my mom's house, the same thing.

Personally, I want OUT OF THE KITCHEN. I want to prepare the food, clean up and leave the kitchen. Perhaps that comes from serving children who seem to be eating constantly. Or maybe it's a rebellion against my long Martha Stewart wanna-be phase. I don't know.

So my little kitchen is fine. Well, once we replace the red counter tops and grease stained cabinets (don't ask because I don't know how or why there is grease inside the cabinets), I will be content with the space. I don't want to blow a wall out. I don't want to turn my notty-pine back porch into a diner. A want to cook within, and then leave, my kitchen.